


If everything were right, we'd be in jail

by Pistol



Series: Walk The Plank [2]
Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22042378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pistol/pseuds/Pistol
Summary: Being space pirates isn't easy. It doesn't help that Cougar is (maybe) an alien, Jensen has brain rot, and Aisha is way too cool for this shit. (Set in the Firefly universe)
Relationships: Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez/Jake Jensen
Series: Walk The Plank [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586596
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	If everything were right, we'd be in jail

**Author's Note:**

> Based off a prompt by Lady_Krysis. <3  
Beta'd by the groovy Coinin - all remaining mistakes are mine!  
The title is borrowed from Firefly. :D  
EDIT: In case you're worried about the timeline - you'll notice in the first story it says the Losers fought in the second war. This is not the war Mal and the others fought in originally.

"Cougs is an alien." Jensen confides to Aisha in a whisper. 

He's three bottles past drunk and wearing a pirate hat that says _BFF #1_ in gold stitching on it. Aisha takes this information with a grain of salt. 

"An alien, hmm?"

Roque nods, looking serious in a way normally reserved for running from the Alliance. "We're gonna get proof one day." 

Aisha smiles like they aren't crazy and does her best to not stare at Roque's eye patch, which has the golden letters _BFF #2_ stitched into it. 

"Why do you think he's an alien?" Aisha knows better, she really does, but this is a new type of crazy from them and she can't resist seeing how deep it goes. 

Hopefully, this time it won't end in a shirtless Roque singing bawdy songs about her booty and how it's tooty fruity. 

"That fucker is immune to Pooch Hooch!" Jensen narrows his eyes, "It's the hat, it's covering up eyestalks. Or tentacles." he frowns, scratching at his chin, "No, definitely eye stalks." he decides.

"Yup. Eye stalks." Roque leans in and lowers his voice, "Jensen's seen 'em!"

Aisha pauses, because there's crazy, and then there's _this_. "Wait, what?"

"Well, it was dark, and I might have been a little drunk-"

"You? Drunk? Jensen, I can't believe that." 

"Silence, Wench! But yeah. It was dark. But I'm like forty percent sure there was some weird shit going on under that hat. _Alien_ shit." Jensen waves a finger too close to Aisha's face for comfort and she bats it away. "Who wears a hat in zero-G? Think about it, when have you _ever_ seen Cougs without the hat?"

"Never." Aisha admits pushes the finger away again as she gives Jensen a warning look. "So how did you see him without his hat?"

Jensen's ears turn red, and he makes a strangled sound. "Not important. What is important is that we have a chance at first contact here!"

"We've already met Cougar, so if he was an alien - and Jensen, he's not, he's really _not_ \- you'd be past the point of first contact."

Jensen turns redder and looks away. 

_Interesting_.

"You don't know that." Roque huffs petulantly. "Cougar could be. He probably eats rocks or something. I've seen the vids from Earth-that-was, and aliens _always_ eat weird shit!"

"Yeah! I bet he eats like, mice and scrap metal!" Jensen chimes in, looking thoughtful in a way that never ends well. 

Aisha makes a mental note to run diagnostics and restock the escape pods on the _Mojito_.

\----

They're in the middle of refueling when an explosion rocks the ship. 

"Clay, we have a forced breech over the hangar." Pooch calls over the coms, sounding strangely excited. Next to her Jensen perks up from his hammock, scrambling out with absolutely no grace before jogging down the hallway leading to the hanger. 

Aisha follows him - if only because Jensen is most likely unarmed. It doesn't help that he's more than proven his willingness to try to make friends with people who shoot him. 

"Forced breech? Is it the Alliance?"

Jensen just smirks at her and keeps moving towards the hangar, where he throws himself, arms stretched wide, at a smiling woman who hugs him right back. 

Aisha stays where she is, fingers twitching over her gun as she tries to work out what the _hell_ is going on. __

The already small chance of the strange woman being a threat disappears when Roque enters and hovers over the newcomer’s shoulder until she laughs and pulls him into the hug as well. Roque protests without putting any real effort towards his escape.

The newcomers eyes fall on Aisha, and she steps back, releasing both men from their hugs and sizing Aisha up. Aisha lowers her weapon but doesn't holster. 

She takes a quiet moment to regret borrowing Jensen’s Happy Soda Molly pajama pants. Their comfort isn’t worth the the look they earn her.

"So... Who’s this?" 

"That's Aisha. Aisha al-Fadhil, this is the wonderful Jolene." Jensen chirps, still clinging to Jolene like a limpet.

"_Jensen!_" Aisha hisses 

Jensen look chastised, but then he ruins it by opening his mouth. "I mean. This is Mary. Mary... Jane. She's _not_ a bounty hunter."

"Hmmm. Do we like her?" 

"Yup! She’s one bad ass chick!"

"Not you, sweetie. I'm asking Roque."

"Hey!" Jensen's face falls. “My input should be just as valuable as his!”

"Jensen, you like _everyone_. You made friends with an Alliance patrol _during_ the war."

"No! I did not _not_! I just thought they could use some cheering up. And, seriously, Jolene, would anyone be allowed to wander the ship if Clay didn't trust them?"

Jolene crosses her arms looking unimpressed. "He's fucking her, isn't he?"

"Touche. But, still, she’s cool. I swear!"

"Roque, care to weigh in?"

"She shot Jensen." Roque meets Aisha's eyes with a distinct _nah-na-na-na-na-na_ vibe. 

Jolene's eyes narrow, and Aisha is again left wondering why she didn't just turn the whole ship over to Max. There would have been a nice pay day and so much less of... _this._

"Anything sounds bad when you say it like that, Roque. But, more important than our little misunderstanding," Jensen tugs at Jolene's sleeves and smiles hopefully. "is that Aisha _also_ saved us from the Alliance. And she blew up one of Max's ships!” “

Jolene looks to Roque, who rolls his eyes before confirming Jensen’s story.

“It was pretty bad ass.”

“See!? I swear, you’ll like her if you give her a chance, Jo. Pooch likes her, Roque likes her, I really don’t want to get into the angry but sexy dynamic between her and Clay, but Cougs seems to like her too! And how often does he like something that isn’t his hat or his wall of guns?"

Aisha does _not feel_ a warm twist in her gut. She's _not_ the kind of woman who gets fuzzy feelings over Browncoat morons liking her. 

What she’s feeling is just more proof Clay should never be allowed to cook their meals. 

Across from her Jolene still looks displeased with her while Roque still looks like he is in need of a punch to the face. Jensen is smiling widely at everyone, but it’s painfully strained.

"And the whole shooting thing, it was only my arm! My _least_ favorite arm! And now we're friends! Friends who go on adventures together!" Jensen smiles hopefully, hunching over to wrap Jolene's smaller frame in a bear hug. 

"I'm immune to your hugs."

"No one's immune to my hugs and you'll like Aisha if you give her a chance." Jensen insists before his hopeful expression flickers into a calculating look. "And it's not like _you've_ never put me in the hospital."

Jolene turns to Jensen, looking hurt before Jensen deftly ruins the mood by placing a loud kiss on her cheek. Jolene scowls, wiping at her face.

"You'll love her. You two can bond over that and how stupid you seem to think I am."

Jolene shakes her head, and Aisha knows the look on her face. She’s seen it on her own face: it’s the begrudging acceptance and shame that comes with knowing Jensen has managed to force his will upon you, a much saner human being. 

"Okay." Jolene says after a pause.

Aisha holsters her weapon under Jolene's still cautious gaze. “Okay.”

Jolene nods, “I’m sorry you have to put up with him.”

“You get used to it after awhile.”

\----

"She's kinda amazing isn't she?" Jensen plops down next to Aisha in the mess, sending hopeful glances at her plate.

"Get your own food. Jolene?"

"No, one of the _other_ women we've seen this week." Jensen continues to gaze longingly at her apple. With an exaggerated sigh she rolls it over to him.

"Huh." Aisha frowns. "Why are there so few women in space? Where do all the babies come from?"

"Aliens." Jensen says with a dark look. "_Aliens_. But don't worry. We have a plan."

Aisha bites her tongue and ignores to urge to ask. "You're an embarrassment to the entire ‘verse."

"So's your face."

"Why aren't you down with the others fawning over Jolene?" If Aisha stabs at her protein mush harder than necessary it's only because she has a headache.

Jensen snorts before taking a large bite of the apple. It looks exceedingly better than her mush. 

Manipulative bastard.

"I felt like maybe you needed some attention. And as your friend, I figured I'd see to the care of your delicate ego."

Aisha closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before giving Jensen her best glare. "You realize I'm going to shoot you, right?"

"No you won't." Jensen insists, taking a large bite of _her_ apple.

"I-"

Jensen waves away Aisha's words. "Let's just pretend I don't know about your sweet marshmallow center and focus on Jolene. You have questions. I, the amazing Jensen, have your answers."

Aisha nods, pushing away her plate. "Who is she? Why’s she not dead for breaking into the _Mojito_?"

"Excellent questions! Well, she's allowed on board because one can never have too many bad ass chicks running around . And... she's Jolene. She's a pirate, like us." Jensen scratches thoughtfully at his facial hair. "And she's Pooch's knight in shining armor."

"I get the feeling I'm not drunk enough to hear the rest of this."

Jensen pats down his pockets before triumphantly producing a flask and tossing it to Aisha. After a cursory sniff - _Pooch Hooch_ \- Aisha takes three burning gulps.

"Better?"

"As good as I'm likely to get."

"That's the spirit! So, Jolene, she's trying to woo Pooch and-"

"_Woo_ him?"

"Yup. It's all very romantic. Lucky boy, our Pooch."

"Wait." Aisha unscrews the flask and takes two more drinks as the pieces start to fall into place. "I could have sworn Clay said someone named Jolene stole all the fuel and oxygen scrubbers a while back. That the ship was left drifting in Alliance space..."

"Well, yeah, but she did it out of _love_. And you know, profit. Which is a lot like love."

Something cold forms in the pit of Aisha's stomach. She plans to drink until she can ignore it, but Jensen's hand halts her actions, firmly pulling the flask from her hand. 

"Easy there. This is the stuff from the second to last batch Pooch made. You’ll want to go easy on it or you'll hate yourself in the morning."

Aisha looks away, watching the CO indicator lights dance on the far wall. "Clay told me about what happened. You almost suffocated."

Jensen makes a thoughtful sound, "I didn't though, and we learned to keep backup parts on hand, which we should have done anyways." He leans over bumping his shoulder into hers. "Besides, Jolene felt really bad about that. When she found out she let Clay and Cougar dock the shuttle with her ship so they could buy the scrubbers off her. "

"The scrubbers she stole?"

"She gave him a good deal. But you're missing the whole point of this. It was for _love_, Aisha! Like in fairy tales!" __

Jensen's smile manages to brings back the indigestion from Clay's food without the handy excuse of having eaten any of this cooking.

"This doesn't sound like any fairy tale I’ve heard."

Jensen shrugs. "It sounds like the ones my mom used to read me."

Aisha sighs, leaning forward to rest her head on the table. "What are we going to do with you, Jensen?"

Next to her Jensen chuckles, throwing a warm arm over her shoulders and pressing a kiss to the back of her head. 

\----

"Your crew has brain rot."

Clay seems too unphased by her presence, so Aisha grabs one of his books off his shelf and hurls it at him. 

Jensen must have been right about the strength of the Pooch Hooch because the book bounces off the wall half a room away from her target. Clay's bored expression melts into a smug grin. 

_Bastard._

"The tests say otherwise." 

"You get them tested?" 

"Once every five cycles. I get myself tested too."

Aisha closes her eyes for a moment and lets the room stop spinning while she lets Clay's stupidity sink in.

"Jensen says... Jensen says Jolene is _wooing_ Pooch." 

"That's one way to put it." Clay shrugs. "Kid's a romantic at heart. He gets excited when people find love."

"She almost killed him." Aisha snarls, because _seriously,_ is she the only one who seems to comprehend this?

"To be fair, if there's a wrong place and a wrong time, Jensen's there."

Aisha ignores that line of thought, because that way leads to insanity and emotions she just isn't comfortable having. "He said they're like something from a fairy tale romance."

Clay raises a brow. "And?"

"It's not. We're not. We’re pirates. And... you're all crazy."

"Oh." Clay says softly before chuckling. Aisha grabs another book and launches it towards Clay. It lands by the first book and Clay gives her a look that brings about a feeling much worse the the indigestion from earlier.

"You don't know who his mother is, do you?"

Aisha crosses her arms and does her best to glower. "Apparently there's a lot I don't know. Why don't you _enlighten_ me."

"Okay.” Clay turns, twisting in his seat to face her. “Jensen’s mother is River Tam."

Aisha goes still. Clay's cabin keeps spinning. "River Tam?"

"You might meet her. She tends to drop by if we're in the same system. She likes to kidnap and interrogate Cougar or try to blow up the ship, depending on her mood."

"She..." Aisha can't stop the giggle that bubbles up and out of her throat. "Of _course_ she is..."

"Love isn't always expressed the same way. It's a big 'verse, and nothing is always the same everywhere you go in it." Clay says with a look that Aisha wants to cut off his face. "Some people give the people they love expensive flowers that are grown on Core planets, some give them diamonds, and some make sure you can survive whatever might be thrown at you."

"River Tam is _real._" Aisha says, because it's easier than thinking about her larger than average share of stolen diamonds in the safe in her room or how maybe she wouldn't mind a flower so much if Clay gave it to her.

"Yes, she is. And she loves her baby boy more than anything in the 'verse, so I advise you don't suggest he has brain rot in her presence."

“I’m gonna be sick.”

She gets sick, but the whole time she can feel a warm hand moving up and down her back as Clay’s voice tells her over and over how she’s stinking up his cabin.

\----

The next day Jensen and Roque are very well behaved. They volunteer to clean up the kitchen and don't even start singing when they notice her hangover.

It's eerie, to say the least.

Clay develops an eye twitch by lunch and Pooch takes one look at Jensen and locks himself on the bridge. Cougar seems the least phased, showing up next to Aisha with a pack of cards and a raised eyebrow, but even he keeps sending quick glances over towards Jensen and Roque when it gets too quiet.

"Maybe they're hungover." Aisha suggests, hating how hopeful she sounds.

Cougar grunts, which could mean anything from _Yes, it's probably a hangover,_ to _They've gone space-mad and I'm gonna throw your ass to the wolves the first chance I get._ It’s seriously hard to tell without Jensen acting as his translator.

"Maybe it won't be so bad."

Cougar stops shuffling the cards and gives her a _look._

"Right." Aisha sighs, and stops lying to herself. "So should we be armed? You know, more so than usual?"

\----

By dinner Clay has had enough and orders Pooch take them to the nearest planet with a well stocked bar.

"Get whatever this is out of your systems." Clay orders Roque and Jensen, who stare back at him placidly. Clay's eye twitches again and Jensen's smile takes on a disturbing quality. 

A quick pat down confirms that all her knives are still there. Across the room Cougar is muttering to himself as he adjusts his holster..

"Jolene said she'd try to stop by later." Pooch adds cautiously.

Both Roque and Jensen nod but make no other move or sound.

"Seriously. Just, _stop_. I don't care what you do, I won't ask questions and I'll even post bail, just stop doing _this_." Clay snaps.

"Thank you Clay. I think we all could use a vacation." Roque says evenly.

"Very kind of you. Very kind, indeed." Jensen agrees, "We're fortunate to have such a considerate Captain."

Aisha’s hand drifts to her holster while Cougar starts to check his speed loaders as he whispers a quiet prayer under his breath.

"Gorramit, we're all gonna die." Pooch moans. Aisha is inclined to agree.

\----

When Jolene meets them at the welcome port, she is quickly ushered away by Roque and Jensen. Pooch looks tempted to follow, but Cougar’s hand on his shoulder stops him.

"_No_." Cougar says firmly.

"Whatever it is, we don't need to see." Clay agrees. "It'll probably involve things we couldn't possibly comprehend. Like ruffled shirts." 

Aisha sighs. "They _really_ like their ruffled shirts, don't they?" 

\----

Jolene, Roque, and Jensen catch up with them in the third level of the market. Aisha tries not to notice the while ruffly shirts and accessories. Someone needs to confiscate Roque's Earth-that-was vid collections. 

Roque's BFF eyepatch and Jensen's BFF pirate hat are accompanied by a stuffed parrot on Jolene's shoulder that says _BFF #3_ on its chest in the same gold lettering. All three of them look rather sedate despite their choices in apparel. 

Jolene smiles, and they all take a collective step back.

"Cougar, have you eaten yet?" Jolene asks sweetly.

Cougar's eyes go wide and dart over to the nearest exit. Roque quickly moves into Cougar's field of view.

"The lady asked you a question, Cougar." Roque says seriously. "It's only polite that you respond."

Jolene beams at Roque and digs into her pocket before tossing a small piece of candy at him, "Excellent manners, Roque!" she praises before turning her attention back to Cougar.

Cougar glances beseechingly towards Clay, but Clay makes himself busy examining the cuff of his jacket. Aisha carefully avoids his gaze when it turns to her.

"Cowards." Cougar hisses. 

Aisha rolls her eyes. It'll take more than name-calling to get her to paint a target on her back.

Jolene snaps her fingers in front of Cougar's face to draw his attention back to her. "Well?"

Cougar slowly shakes his head.

Jolene beams at Cougar, "Now!" she calls happily, and suddenly Jensen is grabbing onto Cougar's left arm while Jolene darts forward to snatch his right. Aisha, Clay, and Pooch stay right where they are.

"Don't fight it, Cougar, it'll be quick." Jolene assures him.

Cougar, brave Cougar, fights it but finds himself held firmly in place while Roque looms in front of him.

"Open your mouth." Roque says with a terrifying sparkle in his eye.

Aisha does her best not to laugh or cry at the state of her life. "I should have turned you all in to Max when I had the chance." 

Clay snorts and Cougar glares back at both of them.

"Just do it, Cougar. I doubt Roque's about to unzip his pants." Aisha says with a shrug. "What's the worse that can happen?"

Cougar pulls out his special occasion glare before looking over to Clay, who's still fascinated by his jacket. "You're a grown man, you don't need me to fight your battles for you."

Cougar turns to Pooch, but he’s too distracted by Jolene's leather pants to even try to look guilty for abandoning his teammate this way. 

"Open your mouth, Cougs." Jensen urges. "It won't hurt, I swear."

Cougar does his best to convey how much Jensen will regret this.

"Roque, we have no choice. Hold his nose." Jensen says with sad shake of his head. "It didn't have to be this way, Cougar, it really didn't."

And just like that, Cougar's standing in the middle of a crowded marketplace while Roque holds his nose shut and Jolene and Jensen pin his arm and hold his feet down with their own. Around them, the crowds keep moving, not sparing a second glance. 

Aisha's impressed that in the end, Cougar ends up holding out for almost two minutes before he's forced to draw air. And then Roque is there, shoving his hand in Cougar’s mouth with a grimace and grabbing at Cougar’s tongue.

What. The. _Fuck_.

"Got it." Roque says, sounding displeased.

"Good, now bag it, the lab closes in twenty." Jolene tells Roque before nodding to Jensen. "Hair."

Roque pulls his hand back and pulls out a plastic biohazard bag, which he wraps around his hand as Jensen reaches up yanking out a strand hair from Cougar.

"You're _dead_." Cougar informs Jensen.

"I wish you wouldn't kill me. It'd only start a war between our people, Cougs. This is for the good of mankind. The truth is out there!"

It’s over quickly enough. Jolene shoves Cougar back, putting him off balance as the three lunatics take off at a run.

"Oh." Aisha murmurs as another piece of the riddle that is Jensen and his actions makes itself clear. "_Now_ it makes sense."

Cougar wipes at his mouth with a grimace, turning to glare at the others before settling on Aisha. "_Explain_."

"They think you're an alien." Aisha isn’t surprised to see how that’s enough of an explanation for everyone present. "Did Roque at least clean his hands first?"

Cougar grimaces. "I'm finding a new ship."

Pooch snorts. "Good luck with that, Mr. Personality."

\----

They’re at a bar when Clay's personal com goes off. He sighs, turning the com ID to Aisha.

"Station Police. That's... not good."

"Ignore it." Cougar growls, throwing back another shot.

"Let them post their own bail." Aisha agrees, taking her own shot.

"Am I the only one who remembers what happened last time we made Roque and Jensen post their own bail?" Pooch says with a hint of very real fear in his eyes. 

Aisha's bombarded by memories of three days spent dodging Alliance ships, a proud looking Roque, and an oddly terrifying Jensen.

Cougar and Aisha both stand, throwing down their money while Clay fumbles in his haste to answer the call.

\----

"Apparently the results were tainted which made Eyepatch over there threaten the lab tech with knives while Pirate Hat claimed to have laser eyes caused by some kind of government experiment.” The officer sighs, looking up at them judgmentally before returning to his datapad. “From there, the reports are conflicting outside of the fact that the parrot lady put three men in the hospital while the other two sang a song about a bounty hunter named Alice or som-"

"Booty." Jensen corrects him. "A _booty_ hunter named _Aisha_."

"Aisha's got cooties." Roque says solemnly.

"And she's after our booties." Jolene adds deadpan.

"Not to mention all her incongruities." Jensen chimes in.

"'Cause she's Aisha the booty hunter!" All three sing happily.

And clearly Aisha needs to get herself scanned for brain rot because it takes all her strength of will not to smile at the three morons.

"That's a terrible song." The officer says with a grimace.

"You're a terrible song." Jensen says, sticking out his tongue.

"Nice!" Jolene praises, high-fiving him.

The officer shakes his head, turning back to Clay and motioning to the three people in the cell. "So, you really want to bail these guys out? 'Cause we could keep them here a few days if you wanted."

Clay sighs, handing over a credit chit. "Trust me, it's for the best that I get them out before they find a way to get themselves out."

\----

They're at the halfway point between Whitefall and Liann Jiun when the proximity alerts start blaring and the walls start shaking.

It's a mad rush of people dressed and armed in various degrees that bursts in the flight deck to find a very drunk Pooch and a very giggly Jolene.

"We're playing chicken." Jolene reports happily.

"_What?!"_ Clay bellows.

"Space chicken!" Pooch bellows, "And that stupid merchant ship didn't even know it was playing!"

Aisha glares at Pooch while Cougar shakes his head and grabs the arm of a still sleepy and half-naked Jensen, steering him back towards the cabins. Aisha is tempted to follow and see whose cabin Cougar ends up in, but stays where she is, moving to turn off the alarms.

Roque and Clay stand, arms folded, and stare in tandem at the giggling pair sharing the pilot's seat.

"You were playing chicken?"

"With a merchant ship!" Pooch nods in agreement, before patting his chest. "We won! Those cowards turned away before it even got fun."

Jolene giggles, rolling her head onto Pooch's shoulder. If possible, Pooch's grin gets bigger.

"Oh! _We_ should play chicken one of these days!" 

"You only have a shuttle." Pooch says looking confused. 

"So? I'll still kick Mojito’s ass."

Roque rolls his eyes, throwing up his hands in defeat. "This is your problem. You were the one who decided to buy a ship and crew it with bughouse rejects."

"You do realize you're part of my crew." Clay snaps before glaring at Jolene. "Jolene isn't though. In fact, she owes us _several thousand_ credits in stolen goods." 

Jolene waves a hand at Clay, "Piss off old man, I wanna get freaky with your pilot."

"You do?"

Aisha can almost see Pooch’s brain melting out of his ears.

"Why do you think I keep stealing your loot?"

Pooch blinks. "Because you're a thief?"

Jolene makes an exasperated noise. "It's an excuse to see you."

"So you steal from us? 'Cause you like me?"

Aisha rolls her eyes, and heads back to Clay's bunk just in time to catch Jolene's "Hey, I gotta make a living."

**Author's Note:**

> Was previously posted, then taken down. Now it's back up. Beware the errors and typos, I suspect the files I found on my old hard drive are the pre-beta versions.  
Please don't steal any of my silly stories and change some names around and then try to sell them as books on Amazon or I'm gonna have to take everything down again.


End file.
